Man's Best Friend Solves our Energy Crisis

This fictitious news article was written by me for The Great Squirrel Case Challenge of 2015, a contest hosted by John Michael Greer who writes the blog The Archdruid Report. The contest is to create a ficticious press release about an outrageous alternative energy source. I hope you enjoy it. 

Man’s Best Friend Solves our Energy Crisis

Dr. Auster welcomed me into his office with a bright smile and vigorous handshake. Despite his immense reputation as Beagen’s leading scientist, his office looks cozy, with potted plants growing tall on his desk, and a chocolate lab peacefully snoozing on a cushion. 

“I think you’ll find the work we do here quite inspiring. You are aware that we are in dire need of a clean, renewable energy source. And with the Earth’s population increasing so swiftly, and the crisis of soil depletion, we need reliable sources of nourishment, not just for us, but for our best friends, like my Lab assistant Maggie here.” He explained, chuckling at the last. On hearing her name the Labrador lifted her graying muzzle and thumped her tail amicably.

“The idea came to me a few years back, on reading about villagers in developing countries using the gases from dung heaps for cooking and heating. Now that is quite clever in its way, but dangerous and unhygienic by modern standards. But it left me thinking about how many resources are unwanted and untapped, even the most potent!”

His eyes sparkled with enthusiasm, and he pulled out an instrument that save for its elegance and the clear canister attached, resembled a handheld vacuum. “This, is what will save our world.” He declared, then plucked a graceful pod from the plant on his desk, and laid it in my hand, “This too, of course. And to show you how this all comes together, first we wait.”

Before long, Dr. Auster’s ‘lab’ assistant shifted her weight to lay on her side with a gentle sigh. A soft puffing sound left me concerned about how inhabitable the small office would remain. Dr. Auster exclaimed in excitement, turned on the loudly whirring instrument, and racing across the room, held it near Maggie’s tail. Maggie lifted her head, but accustomed to the sound, remained calm.

In triumph, Dr. Auster removed the sealed canister from the instrument, and showed it to me. It appeared empty, but I knew the smell that lurked inside. “This, once a bane of modern life, is now aerosolized gold. And that,” he pointed to the bean pod “is what will make it possible on a massive scale. No longer will corn or wheat be the staple in dog food, but hearty, wholesome, protein rich beans.”

“A streamlined delivery system of pneumatic air tubes running from houses to a processing facility, maximizes consumer convenience, and minimizes their handling of dog-produced methane. After sterilization the canisters are reusable, and we plan to offer energy rebates to steady contributors.” To demonstrate, Dr. Auster placed the seemingly empty canister in a clear tube that ran to the ceiling where it was swiftly swept out of sight.

Unfortunately like every wonder, this technology has its limits. “At this point, harvesting methane from cats has proven ineffective. It’s harder to hear when they produce methane, and they tend to flee, when the collector is turned on. We are working to solve this.” He states determinedly.

Not everyone is behind Dr. Auster’s research. Lyssa Margos, a spokesperson for PICA, Protestors Irritating Caretakers of Animals, weighs in. “We approve of exploring plant-based food sources for companion animals, that they may be spared the terrible effects of consuming meat. But to harvest methane output by intelligent, living creatures is a hideous form of exploitation, turning pets that people claim to love, into commodities. We urge citizens to examine their conscience, and oppose this barbaric practice.”

Timor Prester, a security consultant for Corngen, raises other concerns. “A system of air tubes branching from individual homes to a central location is a terrible idea. If terrorists access the methane production centers, they could release toxic gases, or even living individuals of the Chrysopelea genus, poisonous flying snakes, who could then colonize the entire United States starting from our living rooms! No, energy from dog methane is a terrible idea. Ethanol poses neither of those risks.”

But back in his office, Dr. Auster is unfazed. “This technology is completely sustainable, and will continue to get better as we advance. The future truly does look bright, for us, and our best friends.” He tousled Maggie’s ears, and she wagged her tail, as if to agree.

(And yes I know that snakes are venomous, not poisonous. But Timor Prester doesn't...)