Man's Best Friend Solves our Energy Crisis

This fictitious news article was written by me for The Great Squirrel Case Challenge of 2015, a contest hosted by John Michael Greer who writes the blog The Archdruid Report. The contest is to create a ficticious press release about an outrageous alternative energy source. I hope you enjoy it. 

Man’s Best Friend Solves our Energy Crisis

Dr. Auster welcomed me into his office with a bright smile and vigorous handshake. Despite his immense reputation as Beagen’s leading scientist, his office looks cozy, with potted plants growing tall on his desk, and a chocolate lab peacefully snoozing on a cushion. 

“I think you’ll find the work we do here quite inspiring. You are aware that we are in dire need of a clean, renewable energy source. And with the Earth’s population increasing so swiftly, and the crisis of soil depletion, we need reliable sources of nourishment, not just for us, but for our best friends, like my Lab assistant Maggie here.” He explained, chuckling at the last. On hearing her name the Labrador lifted her graying muzzle and thumped her tail amicably.

“The idea came to me a few years back, on reading about villagers in developing countries using the gases from dung heaps for cooking and heating. Now that is quite clever in its way, but dangerous and unhygienic by modern standards. But it left me thinking about how many resources are unwanted and untapped, even the most potent!”

His eyes sparkled with enthusiasm, and he pulled out an instrument that save for its elegance and the clear canister attached, resembled a handheld vacuum. “This, is what will save our world.” He declared, then plucked a graceful pod from the plant on his desk, and laid it in my hand, “This too, of course. And to show you how this all comes together, first we wait.”

Before long, Dr. Auster’s ‘lab’ assistant shifted her weight to lay on her side with a gentle sigh. A soft puffing sound left me concerned about how inhabitable the small office would remain. Dr. Auster exclaimed in excitement, turned on the loudly whirring instrument, and racing across the room, held it near Maggie’s tail. Maggie lifted her head, but accustomed to the sound, remained calm.

In triumph, Dr. Auster removed the sealed canister from the instrument, and showed it to me. It appeared empty, but I knew the smell that lurked inside. “This, once a bane of modern life, is now aerosolized gold. And that,” he pointed to the bean pod “is what will make it possible on a massive scale. No longer will corn or wheat be the staple in dog food, but hearty, wholesome, protein rich beans.”

“A streamlined delivery system of pneumatic air tubes running from houses to a processing facility, maximizes consumer convenience, and minimizes their handling of dog-produced methane. After sterilization the canisters are reusable, and we plan to offer energy rebates to steady contributors.” To demonstrate, Dr. Auster placed the seemingly empty canister in a clear tube that ran to the ceiling where it was swiftly swept out of sight.

Unfortunately like every wonder, this technology has its limits. “At this point, harvesting methane from cats has proven ineffective. It’s harder to hear when they produce methane, and they tend to flee, when the collector is turned on. We are working to solve this.” He states determinedly.

Not everyone is behind Dr. Auster’s research. Lyssa Margos, a spokesperson for PICA, Protestors Irritating Caretakers of Animals, weighs in. “We approve of exploring plant-based food sources for companion animals, that they may be spared the terrible effects of consuming meat. But to harvest methane output by intelligent, living creatures is a hideous form of exploitation, turning pets that people claim to love, into commodities. We urge citizens to examine their conscience, and oppose this barbaric practice.”

Timor Prester, a security consultant for Corngen, raises other concerns. “A system of air tubes branching from individual homes to a central location is a terrible idea. If terrorists access the methane production centers, they could release toxic gases, or even living individuals of the Chrysopelea genus, poisonous flying snakes, who could then colonize the entire United States starting from our living rooms! No, energy from dog methane is a terrible idea. Ethanol poses neither of those risks.”

But back in his office, Dr. Auster is unfazed. “This technology is completely sustainable, and will continue to get better as we advance. The future truly does look bright, for us, and our best friends.” He tousled Maggie’s ears, and she wagged her tail, as if to agree.

(And yes I know that snakes are venomous, not poisonous. But Timor Prester doesn't...)

Quick and dirty bowl finish

 

For my beginning wood turning class, I just completed my first bowl. It had a few dings, and is made of plain poplar, so looks unremarkable. This is compounded by the limited amount of time I had in which to sand the bowl on the lathe. I was able to get it slightly sanded, but not thoroughly.

 

This left me with a dilemma. I could either hand sand it to a very fine grit, and get it to shine, or I could do something quick and dirty.

 

Being as I was planning to use this bowl to hold various bathroom toiletries, (as it’s too crude for a gift or for display, but is the right size and reasonably stable) and poplar is semi-soft, a labor intensive high polish would be scuffed in no time. So I went for something quick and dirty.

 

Step 1. I sanded it down to 200 grit. It still has some marks and dings, but feels smooth. A particularly prominent ding had a leaf carved over it.

Step 2. About twenty-four hours apart, I applied two generous coats of walnut oil. A denser wood may have needed to be wiped down after application, but the poplar was porous and swiftly absorbed most excess oil. Walnut oil is great stuff. It’s non toxic (which makes it great for kitchen utensils and toys), brings out the woods natural color without yellowing it unduly as Danish oil might, and it’s ridiculously easy to apply. As with any oil, oil soaked rags, paper towels etc have to be dealt with cautiously, and anyone sensitized to Walnut sawdust may wish to research its safety specific to them, but it’s really great stuff.

Step 3. There is no step three. Any repairs or maintenance on the bowl can be easily accomplished by sanding or adding more oil. I wouldn’t quite say that it glows, but it looks warm and does its job.

The Left Handed Myth

I stumbled on an old myth that annoys me, so brought this blog out of storage to rant a little.

Studies have been done which show that the number of left handers drops severely with age. This is presumed to indicate that left handers have a notably shorter lifespan than right handers.

This is an interesting theory, except that it is incorrect. Back in the olden days, lefty schoolchildren were forced to switch to being righties. Senior lefties who were subject to this, learned to write with their right hand, and thus closeted, would be counted as righties. After school policies became more civilized, younger lefties were never forced to switch, and would be counted as lefties. Because senior lefties appeared to be righties, the number of young lefties to old lefties would seem to drop severely.

Thankfully this drop is caused by the statistical error described above, not the grave.

Two final thoughts, there's a hilarious Dave Barry article that made me nearly hurt myself laughing here, http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1991-07-14/features/9103190719_1_right-handed-people-lefties-desks and second, I've noticed that a surprising percentage of contractors are left handed. I don't know quite what to make of that, but find it interesting.

What it's all about.

Hello, and welcome to my blog. My name’s Melissa. I’m a geek, I like old things, and am always in the middle of repairing or restoring some battered old thing or another, hence the title. I’ll be sharing some of my projects with you, so you can learn from whatever I do right, or wrong, and apply that knowledge to whatever project you’re working on. Or vice versa, as I’m sure a lot of you have some great knowledge and skills.

I’ll also share some of my art in progress, post the occasional silly picture or joke, talk about the occasional girly or home economics type thing, and occasionally get on my soapbox about whatever random thing I feel strongly about.

As an aside, an elderly and fierce woodworking instructor, on overhearing a political rant in his class, announced to us, “Hey! Around here, there are three things we don’t talk about. Politics, religion, and sayex.” And yes, that’s how he pronounced the last. He had a great point though. Heated arguments rarely mix well with blunt, heavy objects, and carbon steel blades rotating at thousands of RPM. Inspired by that example, while I will be opinionated about random stuff, I’ll try to not push any super-sensitive buttons, as there are plenty of other places on the internet for that sort of thing.

Two posts I’m planning soon, are a working log of salvaging a craftsman style desk, (though beautifully proportioned, it’s too far gone to be considered restoring, so I’m simply salvaging it for a nice bench for my lathe) and a soapbox article on how talent is overrated, which sounds weird, I know.

So welcome, and enjoy!